About Me

I first noticed my health starting to deteriorate when  was in my teens, Loss of sensation, thinking I had moved my legs when I hadn't and as a result falling. 

Other health issues aside, I started having bladder control problems after damaging my back after falling down stairs at work. 

 

I used to cycle to work everyday, although the day after falling, cycling was extremely painful but it's amazing what you do when you have no choice isn't it?

The cycle to work was a little over five miles, but by the time I got off the bike I noticed, much to my horror, that my jeans were drenched, from the crotch right down the inside of the legs! I was 22 when that happened, so you can imagine my self esteem went straight down. I started having problems at night as well, although initially the wetting problems were only every now and then, and I did what any young man would do, I hid myself in total denial at what was happening, go to a doctor? well that would have been the right thing to do but that would have meant admitting I had a problem wouldn't it? 

 

Obviously I had to do something about my bladder which had started functioning with a mind of it's own. I had put it down to my fall, but now many years later, I see that it was the start of my health deteriorating. I tried to find something, anything to help with the bladder problem, but back in the early 90's there was nothing in any pharmacy in Ireland to help and on two occasions when I plucked up the courage to ask about something to help I was met with smirks and giggles, I left both places red faced and shamed!

 

So, the last resort was to buy babies nappies, which obviously wouldn't fit, they are after all made for babies! But I would wear them inside tight fitting underwear, and they worked to some degree.

 

One day I had the idea to write to Procter and Gamble, the manufacturer of Pamper's, and I asked them about products to help with my problem, I didn't think anything would come of it, after all it was a problem that only 'I' suffered with right? Surely no one else was suffering the humiliation of peeing their pants?

Wrong!..

 

Five days after sending the letter, a parcel arrived to my home, a large sized box, like the boxes that you might see fruit arrive in in the supermarkets. I had not thought too much about the letter since I wrote it, but when I opened the box it was packed tightly with all kinds of incontinence pad's and a letter, which told me about the contents of the box, prices and an order form. I must say I was blown away, never did I expect an answer let alone the many different variety of pad's available. And that was my introduction to the world of incontinence pad's.

 

It took a lot of experimentation with the different pads before I found suitable products that worked for me. For a while, the shaped pad worked, but I was very active so I used to have problems with the pad moving about or slipping down from where it was needed. So I switched to the adult sized pull ups which I used for a number of years. But health slipped, the occasional wetting accident became no control at all, my bladder would just void for no reason and with no  warning and also no sense of having passed urine until the warmth was felt. The pull ups became no good, and the last thing I wanted was to wear the adult sized nappy. But what does a person do? go back to hiding or carry on living and just do whatever is necessary to achieve that. I bit the proverbial bullet.

 

It was hell, mentally and physically. Mentally because here I was in my mid twenties back in nappies again! and it's a difficult secret to hide from family and friends and people in general. And physical because for the first time I started having skin problems, specifically nappy rash and candida thrush. I came to see very quickly why babies cry so much when they have skin rashes! It was painful. So, there was a lot of creams tried in the attempt to cure the rashes. 

Though it soon became apparent a visit to the doctor was in order.
It was very difficult to speak of the problem to my G.P, and made moreso when she wanted to examine the rash which meant undressing down to the nappy and then taking it off. But she didn't bat an eyelid, after all why would she? But it is amazing what insecurity does isn't it?

The outcome of the visit to the doctor was not only a cream to clear up the rash and advice on how to prevent it, but also appointments booked to have tests done to see what was going on with my system.

But life throws strange challenges out at times, during the course of two years and visits to the Beaumont hospital Dublin every couple of weeks, four sets of urodynamic studies, three flexible cystoscopies, all of which are very invasive, they still were no closer to giving me a reason as to what was going on. Though I had noticed a vast amount of sensory loss throughout my whole body, and yet another appointment was arranged for a Neurologist, she ordered a series of tests to be done over five days while in the hospital, the five days turned into ten days much to my dismay! 
but at the end of the ten days of, what was very difficult tests, I had my answer.
Essentially speaking I have nerve damage from an autoimmune disorder. I was offered  several alternatives to using incontinence pads.

The first was 'self catheter' which is passing a narrow, lubed tube through the urethra (the tube from the tip of the penis to the bladder) into the bladder and using this method to empty my bladder fully, enter two weeks of a constant UTI that took three courses of antibiotics to get rid of!

The second was surgery, to implant an artificial sphincter, this would have meant having a valve between my scrotum and anus which, when I would want to void my bladder, would have to be opened. Now, when you don't have feeling in your hands and difficulties coordinating your fingers because of this, it seems like a non starter right from the word go.
Naturally I turned this down.

The third was having a bag fitted, an idea that filled me with more horror than the idea of wearing nappies! That got turned down I couldn't even envision it, I have always been very active and in my twenties I was involved in martial arts so the idea of having a bag, well, It wasn't something I wanted.

So the fourth option, saving the most obscene for last..
they were talking about diverting the tubes which go from the kidneys to the bladder, to the large intestine. Now when I think about this, it would have meant having chronic diarrhea all the time, and I'm sorry, but I don't see how that would have been helpful.
I decided that I was going to stop attending the urologist, I was spending the whole day there every two weeks and then another whole day when I had to attend for tests. It had been two years and there had been no helpful suggestions suited to my lifestyle. 

I had a liver transplant in 2006, the procedure went well itself, but I had a major reaction to the anti-rejection medication given throughout the whole procedure. It made the nerve problem go crazy, I was left paralyzed and unable to speak, and now totally double incontinent, a nice way of saying bladder and fecal incontinence. Just when you think things can't get worse right?

it took almost a year and a half to recover somewhat, I had to re-learn how to walk and speak, the bladder and bowel issues didn't get better though. That was ten years ago..
 

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Today, I'm still incontinent, I have both bowel and bladder incontinence. I deal with this by wearing adult nappies. I don't hide my condition anymore, it's very hard to successfully 'hide' incontinence and the fact you're wearing a nappy, so why bother? It is energy consuming, draining, time consuming, and the more time you spend hiding or trying to hide the more people seem to wonder what you're doing!

So, my friends and family know I wear nappies, I feel happier now with the condition and it doesn't affect me as it once did.